The Red Sox Holiday Gift Guide To Red Sox Holiday Gift Giving

A holiday tradition continues

The holidays are a time for giving. We give to loved ones to show we care for them and as a show of thanks. The perfect holiday gift is one that somehow catches the individual essence of the giftee, something thoughtful, useful, and from the heart. But if that can’t be found, you can always toss off a Red Sox pizza cutter. Yes, give the gift that says, “Look, I tried, but I’m kinda tired and there are decent shows on Netflix.” Or, give that person on your list a Red Sox keyboard. It’s the perfect gift for someone who isn’t interested in all those pesky middle keys. Who needs ‘em? Everyone knows all the best keys are around the edges anyway. Seriously, he only person I’d actually give this to is my aunt and she’s a Yankees fan.

But we’ve barely scratched the surface of Red Sox gifts, my friends! So please, grasp my hand (Metaphorically! There’s a pandemic, fer chrisakes!) and come along as I show you the best (and some not-so-best) Red Sox-themed gifts to give this holiday season.

Tessie Minimalist Art

I actually think this looks kinda cool. It’s the Red Seat in the right field stands where Ted Williams’ 502 foot homer landed amongst a sea of green seats. That said, nobody outside of a Red Sox fan is gonna know what the heck it is. Maybe that’s a selling point, I don’t know. Maybe your law office only services the legal needs of Red Sox fans. Maybe your tax business only does tax returns for Red Sox fans. Or maybe you like art that confuses people. Nothing wrong with that, now that I come to think of it.

Red Sox Bottle Cap Wall Clock

Any good wall art should answer two important questions: 1) What time is it?, and 2) I am drunk*. This clearly answers both.

*may not technically be a question

Red Sox Craft Beer Flight

Sixty-three bucks for a set of four tiny empty glasses. And as any beer fan will tell you, empty glasses are the worst kind of glasses. It doesn’t even come with beers! Also, and not for nothing, but has anyone ever pointed out that when you buy a beer at the store or even a bar (assuming we have those anymore) it comes with a vessel to drink it from? All beers come in bottles or cans and you can, truly, take them, open them, and tip them into your face! My point: you don’t need to buy your own glass, let alone four tiny ones. But sure, $63. Whatever. I’m sure Doctors Without Boarders is doing fine.

Red Sox Cutlery Set

I do not own a $500 knife set and you will get no knife snobbery here (we can save that for my new newsletter, Knife Snobbery Outsider). That said, how good can a five-piece knife set for $25 actually be? I’d recommend walking into McDonalds, grabbing some plastic silverware and while you’re there a couple of catsups, taking them home, and writing “Red Sox” on them.

Red Sox Spoon Rest

What’s that, you say? Your friend’s/neighbor’s/spouse’s spoon is tired? Here’s the perfect gift for them! It’s like a sleep number mattress for your spoon, after which it’ll awaken rested and relaxed and ready to assist in… I don’t know, eating soup or something.

Mookie Betts Pretty Much Everything

I could swear - SWEAR - the Red Sox traded Mookie Betts to the Dodgers last off-season. I really thought it happened… didn’t it? I… I’m confused. You see, there are 42 different pieces of Red Sox apparel with Betts’ name for sale at the Red Sox online store. 42! And that’s only apparel. There’s also the Mookie Betts Red Sox bobbleheads (as in multiple bobbleheads), the Mookie Betts Red Sox beach towel, the Mookie Betts Red Sox AL MVP Gold Glove Display Case, the Mookie Betts Red Sox Plaque, and numerous Mookie Betts Red Sox photographs and photo collages. For a guy they got rid of (didn’t they?), this seems like a lot of stuff. But whatever, load up on your Mookie Betts Red Sox swag and we’ll see you at the World Series!

Yawkey Way Street Sign

I really like old street signs. I even bought an old MBTA sign that has Fenway Park mentioned on it. It’s really cool. I love looking at it. So I’m not indifferent to the general idea here. However, this is something they shouldn’t be selling anymore, not because Yawkey Way no longer exists, but because of why it no longer exists. The Red Sox and the city of Boston officially changed the street’s name back to its original name, Jersey Street, because of former owner Thomas Yawkey’s history of racism. Yawkey was so racist he refused to sign black players at all. That legacy is so disgusting it continues to soil his name, so much so that the team could no longer abide it next to their ballpark. So the name is no good for the street, no good for the team, but we’re quite happy making $38.45 (seriously) of your money on it?

YUCK.

Red Sox Red Socks

There was a time, believe it or not, when the Red Sox online store did not, I repeat: NOT, sell red socks. It sounds insane crazy banana pants, I know, but it’s true. I urge you now, please, purchase these Red Sox red socks. Not because I did (I did!), not because they’ll keep your piggies warm (iffy), and not because the Red Sox logo is subtly placed atop the cuff* (it so is!), but because this is the type of behavior we must encourage in our baseball team. Is it on-the-nose? Yes. A thousand times so. But that’s nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it’s a calling card, a monument to purity. Also, warm-ish piggies are nothing to sneeze at.

*yes I did google “parts of socks”

Red Sox Dragon

There are some things that are self explanatory and then there is the Red Sox dragon. Wha… Uh, um. Um. It’s a stuffed dragon and it has a Red Sox logo on its chest. There may be something I missing here, folks, and if so you have my heartiest of apologies.

Red Sox Rainbow Bandana Llama

Or maybe I’m not missing anything.